Neurotic Mind-Space
There is a part of being a mother that I never knew existed. When I was pregnant with Dyce everyone was so quick to either tell me how wonderful having a child is, or how hard it is. Both of these things are pretty much a given. I mean, of course I’m going to get less sleep and love my child unconditionally…duh.
I guess what I never really thought about was that after the first several months, when your child sleeps through the night, you still don’t get any sleep. No one prepared me for this. No one told me why.
To say that my thoughts are neurotic would be an understatement. I wasn’t prepared for the amount of worry being a mother comes with. I even fear this has escalated to an unhealthy level and I will give you the same example I gave Claire a few days ago….
We recently hired someone to clean our house every few weeks. She is a lovely woman about my age or so and has a five year old little boy. She always does a fantastic job and I literally have nothing bad to say about her at all! BUT….a few weeks ago, after she cleaned and I came home to a spotless house, some crazy thoughts invaded my mind-space and I was almost embarrassed by them. I was rocking Dyce to sleep and I began to get paranoid that maybe I should check to make sure his window was locked. What if she had unlocked his window while she was cleaning so she could sneak in at night and take him!!!??? I tried so hard to convince myself that I was crazy but hand to God that didn’t stop me from putting Dyce in his crib and crawling on my hands and knees behind the rocking chair to make sure his window was securely locked! That night I woke up about every two hours to check the video monitor.
This is just one example but rest assured I could go on and on. In my head I play out every tragic and dangerous scenario that you could imagine while I determine how I would react to save him. You guys, tell me I’m not alone here and that this is normal. What happens when he gets older and tries to convince me he’s responsible enough to drive a car or vacation with friends on Spring Break? Lord help me because I’m certain my husband will have me committed.
xoxo,
jenn
